I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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