Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
