Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
