No awkward lesbian experiences without me
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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