Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
