That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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