FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
