I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
