Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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