I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
