John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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