I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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