i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We left the knife in your bed.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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