Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
