oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Randomize
