Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
i think my cat just said my name.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
