She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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