Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
