i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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