ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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