i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
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