booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
