I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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