just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
