is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
