Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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