I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
