We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We need a shit load of segways right now
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
