i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
