she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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