My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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