I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
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