I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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