she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
