This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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