They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
