I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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