Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
