then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
