I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
