my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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