I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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