Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Let's get the cat blown out
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
