therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
there is puke in my bra ... again
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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