It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
