worst night to have a conscience
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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