i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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