Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
