Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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