I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
