I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
